Jump to content

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 5k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit,

Posted Images

“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago…”

“Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, “No, everything is fine.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I’m sure,” I said.

“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.

“I reckon not,” I replied.

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What the **** does this story have to do with your broken leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

Link to post
Share on other sites

not a joke. just something that occured to me today.

what do a ford a Chevrolet and a dodge all have in common?

FORd a chEVRolet a DOdGe

just sayin.

ih lightline only

Link to post
Share on other sites

An old farmer had just arrived in Heaven and St. Peter was showing him around. They first stopped at a beautiful golf course.

"Wow!" said the farmer, "It must cost a lot to play golf on such a marvelous course."

"No," said St Peter, "we have hundreds designed by the most famous pros and they are all free and no waiting for tee times."

Next was a restaurant and the food was just heavenly. "Boy," said the farmer "I bet this sure costs a lot."

"No this is also free and we have everything from the best down home cooking to the finest French cuisine all free."

The last stop was a shop and St. Peter said "I think you might like this also." Inside were a bunch of happy folks restoring old tractors. "Now I know this costs a lot of money; parts and stuff, you know."

"Not here," replied St. Peter. "It's all free. Choose any model tractor or old engine and its here the next day ready to be worked on."

At this the farmer became red in the face and began to cuss and rant profusely. St Peter was somewhat startled and asked what the problem was.

"Well," replied the farmer, "if I hadn't given up smoking and drinking and ate all those tasteless health foods I could have been here ten years sooner!!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is about how it would work for me....

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

"If you are laughing, send me your smile.

"If you are eating, send me a bite.

"If you are drinking, send me a sip.

"If you are crying, send me your tears.

"I love you!"

The husband, replied,

"Am on toilet.. Please advise."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy asks his friend, "Did you hear what happened at the Army Depot?"

The friend responds, "No. What happened?"

The guy says, "A Jeep ran over a popcorn machine. Killed two kernals."

Forgive me if I messed it up. I heard it years ago.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy asks his friend, "Did you hear what happened at the Army Depot?"

The friend responds, "No. What happened?"

The guy says, "A Jeep ran over a popcorn machine. Killed two kernals."

Forgive me if I messed it up. I heard it years ago.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A penquin is driving across the Mohave desert. He car starts to buck and the engine is making a terrible noise. Luckily up ahead he spys a few buildings along the road. He pulls into a gas station & repair shop and explains what his car was doing to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him he'll take a look at it.

Being a penquin and also being in the desert he's mighty warm. He see a general store next door and goes in. There he sees a cooler with tubs and tubs of ice cream. The penquin asks for a double-dip cone of vanilla ice cream. He begins eating the ice cream and gets it all over his face. After he finishes it he goes back to his car to find out what the mechanic has discovered.

Penquin - "Well?"

Mechanic - "Looks like you blew a seal."

Penquin - "Nope, just got done eating some ice cream."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Jokes seem to be taking an awkward turn! Ha Ha.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A penquin is driving across the Mohave desert. He car starts to buck and the engine is making a terrible noise. Luckily up ahead he spys a few buildings along the road. He pulls into a gas station & repair shop and explains what his car was doing to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him he'll take a look at it.

Being a penquin and also being in the desert he's mighty warm. He see a general store next door and goes in. There he sees a cooler with tubs and tubs of ice cream. The penquin asks for a double-dip cone of vanilla ice cream. He begins eating the ice cream and gets it all over his face. After he finishes it he goes back to his car to find out what the mechanic has discovered.

Penquin - "Well?"

Mechanic - "Looks like you blew a seal."

Penquin - "Nope, just got done eating some ice cream."

wow

Link to post
Share on other sites

The bill collector called the Blonde and told her she must make a payment on her storm windows she installed a year ago or face forclosure !

"HELLO" said the Blonde..do you think I am dumb or something ?

I have a video tape here of the window salesman telling me if I installed these storm windows they would pay for themselves in 6 months !

Now, quit bothering me !

Reminds me of an old I Love Lucy show, when she kept buying appliances and furniture till she had a whole truckload. After the salesman gave her the price of each item, he told her how much he could save her on it. She said "tell me when I've saved enough to pay for what I've bought".

that was gracie allen

Link to post
Share on other sites

65 year old guy goes to the doc for check up

Doc says you got a clean bill of health

Guy says will I be as healthy at 80 years

Doc says do you smoke drink eat lots red meat enjoy the company of fast women

Guy says No

Doc says what do want to live to 80 for?

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's Palm Sunday, Grandpa & Grandma are at the Son , daughter-in-laws an 7 Year old Jimmy, the Grandsons Home,

For Sun Rise Easter Service, All Dressed in their Easter "Church Clothes", Git in the car everyone, Grampa Shouts!!

Just then Grandma Notices How white Jimmy's face is "My goodness, This boy's sick!!!. "This young fella Should't Go

To Church This Morn'n and Bring sickness to our Whole Church!!!, I'll stay home with him, and the rest of you go on

Ahead Grandpa said.

After four or five hours the Family came back to the farmhouse, and came in side

All Three came in the House Holding large "Palm Fronds",

What are those, little Jimmy asked?

These are "Palm Fronds", We used them at church this morn'n Grandma said.

How did you use them, Jimmy Asked?

When "Jesus" walked By People, They "Waved" these at Him. Grandma said.

**Great**!!!! I Have been going to church my "WHOLE" life, I miss one Sunday....And HE SHOWS UP TODAY!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard full of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard full of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

Hahahaha I've used that one before!

Link to post
Share on other sites

The bill collector called the Blonde and told her she must make a payment on her storm windows she installed a year ago or face forclosure !

"HELLO" said the Blonde..do you think I am dumb or something ?

I have a video tape here of the window salesman telling me if I installed these storm windows they would pay for themselves in 6 months !

I believe you're right. I think my hard drive's full. Thanks for catching that.

Now, quit bothering me !

Reminds me of an old I Love Lucy show, when she kept buying appliances and furniture till she had a whole truckload. After the salesman gave her the price of each item, he told her how much he could save her on it. She said "tell me when I've saved enough to pay for what I've bought".
that was gracie allen
Link to post
Share on other sites

Dumbfarmer, don't know why my reply didn't post. Anyway, I believe you're right.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's a chicken joke for BillOHIO.

One day the school teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's a chicken joke for BillOHIO.

One day the school teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"

:):D Like it !

Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's another chicken joke for BillOHIO.

Farmer Smith had been down the road to Farmer Brown's and bought a young rooster. He brought the new rooster home and turned it loose in the barnyard.

The new rooster strutted up to the old rooster and told the old boy he was finished as the young guy was now taking over the flock of hens. The old boy says, "Not so fast. Lets have a contest to see who runs the barnyard."

Young rooster asks what kind of contest.

Old rooster offers a foot race three times around the house, but the old rooster will need a 50 foot headstart.

The cocky young fella is sure he will pass the old guy on the first lap and agrees to the deal.

They line up with the old rooster 50 feet ahead. The hens cluck "GO", and they are off.

The old booy can still run pretty well and manages to keep a good lead, while crowing at the top of his lungs.

After the first lap around the house, the old boy still has about 25 feet of lead and still crowing at the top of his lungs. After the second lap, the lead is down to about eight feet but the old boy is still crowing loud.

When they pass by the back door on the third lap, the lead is only about three feet and it is looking bad for the old rooster. Just then the back door opens and the double barrel shotgun pops out. KABOOM!!! Blows the young rooster all to pieces.

In the kitchen the Farmer turns to his wife and says, "That is the last rooster I will buy from Farmer Brown. It's the third gay rooster in a row that he has sold me."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's another chicken joke for BillOHIO.

Farmer Smith had been down the road to Farmer Brown's and bought a young rooster. He brought the new rooster home and turned it loose in the barnyard.

The new rooster strutted up to the old rooster and told the old boy he was finished as the young guy was now taking over the flock of hens. The old boy says, "Not so fast. Lets have a contest to see who runs the barnyard."

Young rooster asks what kind of contest.

Old rooster offers a foot race three times around the house, but the old rooster will need a 50 foot headstart.

The cocky young fella is sure he will pass the old guy on the first lap and agrees to the deal.

They line up with the old rooster 50 feet ahead. The hens cluck "GO", and they are off.

The old booy can still run pretty well and manages to keep a good lead, while crowing at the top of his lungs.

After the first lap around the house, the old boy still has about 25 feet of lead and still crowing at the top of his lungs. After the second lap, the lead is down to about eight feet but the old boy is still crowing loud.

When they pass by the back door on the third lap, the lead is only about three feet and it is looking bad for the old rooster. Just then the back door opens and the double barrel shotgun pops out. KABOOM!!! Blows the young rooster all to pieces.

In the kitchen the Farmer turns to his wife and says, "That is the last rooster I will buy from Farmer Brown. It's the third gay rooster in a row that he has sold me."

Good one ! :)

Reminds me of the day the old bull and the young bull were standing on a hill looking over the valley where all the cows and young hiefers were grazing. The young bull said lets run down the hill and do one of those gals. The old bull just shook his head and said better to walk down and do them all !

Link to post
Share on other sites

QUOTE:

Reminds me of the day the old bull and the young bull were standing on a hill looking over the valley where all the cows and young hiefers were grazing. The young bull said lets run down the hill and do one of those gals. The old bull just shook his head and said better to walk down and do them all !

And yet another good one, Bill. Makes a great statement on old age vs. youth.

Makes me think of one of Little Jimmy Dickens standard lines:

My wife said, "Honey, do you want to go upstaris and make love?"

Jimmy says, " I can do one or the other, but I can't do both."

Then Jimmy says, "My wife trys to stay beautiful, bless her heart."

"The other day she had one of those mud packs on her face."

"it looked pretty good...............Until she took it off."

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...