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There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.


Do they, however, know the difference between them?


Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.


GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the ladies, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say 'You're next, Chubby.'

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No comment required :lol::lol::lol:

Mike

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Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realize that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"

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The United States is a bar, what is each State doing and drinking?

Alabama is a fat guy with a goatee, wearing a camo jacket and a trucker hat. Despite his drunkenness and outwards appearance of being a racist redneck, he is actually pretty nice to everyone at the bar. He's drinking a can of Budweiser.

Alaska and Nebraska would just be 20 drinks in before even showing up to the bar.

Arizona is the bouncer, kicking Mexicans out who are trying to get in from the bar across the street. Ironically, he's drinking Tecate.

Arkansas is drinking straight whiskey and asking people if they want to arm wrestle to prove how manly they are.

California is constantly buying drinks for others, yet has failing kidneys from lack of hydration.

Colorado is a beautiful, perfectly athletic couple wearing all Patagonia, drinking craft beer talking about their last mountaineering trip, with an air of aloofness.

Connecticut is a rich white woman sipping a martini and silently judging all the other states.

Delaware is that guy who hangs around the outside of the New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and New Jersey friend-circle, taking occasional sips from his Yuengling and mostly being ignored, except when New York has to go past him to get to the bar.

Florida is drinking moonshine while riding an alligator through the orange groves to the local Publix.

Georgia will be drinking bud light, wearing a UGA trucker hat, tortoise Costa Del Mar sunglasses with croakies, solid colored Polo shirt, questionably short shorts with a UGA belt, and driving a Z71 with a Browning decal in their rear window (even though he only went hunting twice, in Jr High) and a UGA license plate frame. He went to Valdosta State University, and he works in his dads local business.

Hawaii is alone in a corner of the bar, away from the other states, drinking a cocktail from a coconut.

Idaho is drinking Keystone Light and pretending they are part of the South.

Illinois is a larger gentleman, eating deep dish pizza and drinking a Goose Island. He's reminiscing about the '85 Bears and how "this is the Cubs year".

Indiana is in line for the toilet, drinking a Budweiser or a Coors, checking out the ladies and thinking about how bullshit it is that you can't buy alcohol on Sunday.

Iowa is sitting next to Illinois, just trying to have someone pay attention to him.

Kansas is dressed in a plaid shirt, jeans and clean boots. He's friendly enough and even buys a round to get the party started. After a few drinks, it's obvious he feels sorry for Oklahoma, hates Missouri, and is hung up on Colorado. After striking out with California, him and Wisconsin get hammered drunk and sing Country Boy.

Kentucky would be drinking bourbon and arguing with anybody who will listen about college basketball.

Louisiana is celebrating that lack of open container laws by standing outside of the bar with an Abita Amber or a Sazerac and looking disdainfully at the drinking abilities of all of the other states. "Amateurs."

Maine is wearing an L.L. Bean flannel and drinking Allen's Coffee Brandy

Maryland is drinking a Chesapeake margarita. Rim lined with Old Bay. He is insisting that everyone try his drink because it's really good if you just give it a chance, but no one else seems to get it.

Massachusetts is in a bar fight with New York over sports.

Michigan is drinking some micro brew and playing Euchre while trying to conjure up nice things to say about Detroit.

Minnesota is a pleasant guy drinking Summit Extra Pale Ale and will happily buy you one. Hes hanging out with his obnoxious brother-in-law North Dakotaeven though he doesn't want to but he's too nice to tell them to bug off.

Mississippi is just looking to start a fight with Alabama about whos less redneck.

Missouri is in a drunken argument with Kansas about who gets custody of their strange in-between child - Kansas City.

Montana has to be two different people. Eastern Montana is a cowboy drinking Budweiser and gets into a fight with Wyoming over sheep vs. cattle, but this happens every week and they make up afterwards. Western Montana, on the other hand, is a hipster/hippie throwback with dreadlocks who drinks craft beer or PBR and absolutely reeks of marijuana.

Nevada is a sketchy, middle-aged balding man chain-smoking cigarettes he pulls from his black leather jacket, rolling dice on the bar counter top and drinking whiskey, straight up.

New Hampshire is a skinny, nerdy white guy in a collared shirt and khakis, who also carried in signs for his favorite political candidate. He's drinking craft beer and getting into philosophical and political discussions with Vermont and Maine, but is open to talk to everyone. He is quick to tell everyone he loves himself, and humbly without arrogance.

New Jersey is a man of Italian/Mediterranean descent wearing a wifebeater and track pants. He's downing jagerbombs and giving people the finger.

New Mexico is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted with whatever shots the other states buy them because they can't afford it.

New York is an Italian businessman, wearing an expensive suit, with a perfect haircut and slicked back hair. He is talking down to New Jersey, like a father talking to a son, and he's drinking scotch.

North Carolina is an attractive, bubbly blonde girl of average height with a smoky accent, who's just graduated from UNC and has taken a job teaching young kids. She is hanging out with South Carolina and Virginia, and she isn't drinking anything because she just found out she's pregnant.

Ohio is an incredibly average white guy, that's not out of shape but not in good shape either. He has his sports hat on of his favorite Ohio sports team and is drinking good beer but nothing fancy. He has a family and works in an office. He can't stop talking about how much he hates himself, but doesn't leave due to his ties there, and would miss his friends if he left.

Oklahoma is an obese couple who have not moved from their spots since sitting down next to Texas. They have on sweatpants, and brought in fast food to eat at the bar. They are drinking Bud Light bottles.

Oregon is the hipster drinking the eclectic craft microbrew that nobody's even heard of.

Pennsylvania is a cheery, pretty brunette girl with blue eyes, dressed fairly preppy. She's drinking Yuengling and making out with a handful of other states.

Rhode Island is drinking Narragansett pounders and is sitting on phone books on its barstool.

South Carolina is an overly drunk guy in his mid-twenties, wearing preppy pastel clothes, a sports jacket, and pants with little boats embroidered on them. He is talking about what he is going to do with his family's old money to anyone who listens. He's drinking an Old Fashioned.

South Dakota is an older, in-shape man with long, straight black hair tied in a pony tail. He looks vaguely Native American and sits at the bar carving various little statuettes out of soapstone. He's wearing a worn leather biker vest and has a colt .45 at his hip, but despite his rough appearance many of his neighbors like Minnesota and Wyoming come over to talk to him and seem to get along quite well, often admiring his handiwork. Other states however don't seem to notice him much, passing him by without a second thought.

Tennessee is drinking Jack Daniels, and watching Nascar.

Texas is singing karaoke about how great Texas is.

Utah is the designated driver, sipping on water and making sure nobody gets too crazy.

Vermont is a guy who brought in his own craft beer from his hometown in Vermont, and stubbornly refuses to try any other beer, but is pretty much friendly to everyone.

Virginia is drinking some local craft beer that their friend made at their brewery. They will only talk about all of the fancy craft beer they have drank while complaining about traffic.

Washington is a pale girl, very quiet and reluctant to be friendly to anyone except Oregon. She has glasses and a couple books, and isn't drinking because she's enjoying a cup of coffee she got from her favorite place on the way here. She loves hiking with her boyfriend and watching indie movies and documentaries on Netflix. She suddenly yells at New Jersey for throwing a napkin on the floor and not in the correct recycling bin.

West Virginia is downin' enough bud light to float a battleship, and talking nostalgically of the days when copper prices were higher.

Wisconsin is drinking New Glarus while eating cheese curds, and is probably about 5-6 beers ahead of everyone else.

Wyoming would be on the roof with a rifle, muttering conspiracy theories about black helicopters.

Bonus... Puerto Rico is standing outside staring through the window, wishing it could join the party.

Bonus #2 Washington D.C. is the bartender since it's not a state but is essential for the whole thing to keep running. Plus everyone loves it when they need something and hates it when they don't.

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Ummm. ......

I can't see north dakota on the list. ......

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Ummm. ......

I can't see north dakota on the list. ......

AS A eastern montanan it would be wrong for me to make one up for north Dakota. It would be to cruel...

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I hate to admit it but other than working in the office that hits pretty close to home. Go Bucks :blink:

Dennis

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I wish I enough hair to slick back...😕

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Ummm. ......

I can't see north dakota on the list. ......

AS A eastern montanan it would be wrong for me to make one up for north Dakota. It would be to cruel...

Having lived there I couldn't post a comment along the lines of sleeping it off under the table or late arriving as I think that was unfair.

Maybe chasing escaped cows? ?? Lol

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Actually, in Nebraska the bar business is way off the mark. The DUI laws are so tuff here ( .08 ) that people aren't drinking away from home.

Off sale at grocery stores has doubled and just about every bar in this town is for sale. If you have a Commercial drivers license (CDL) it's half (.04 )

In other words less then one beer and your over the limit.

If you drink and drive My advice is don't do it in Nebraska.

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I heard about a new company that is building exploding prayer mats.

Business is booming and profits are through the roof.

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"If you have a Commercial drivers license (CDL) it's half (.04 )"

I believe in Mass while driving a commercial vehicle the level is 0.00 ( I thought that was nationwide )

Edit it is 0.04 in Mass if they pull you over with any alcohol you are getting sidelined for 24 hours

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"If you have a Commercial drivers license (CDL) it's half (.04 )"

I believe in Mass while driving a commercial vehicle the level is 0.00 ( I thought that was nationwide )

Edit it is 0.04 in Mass if they pull you over with any alcohol you are getting sidelined for 24 hours

I think a haz-may endorsement throws the zero level in here. And it's .04 driving a lawn mower if you have a CDL here.

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A Horse, a Chicken & a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,

but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed t

o get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the

aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

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Ole and Lena went to get their marriage license; the clerk asked "Relations?"

"Yah," answered Lena shyly. "Vunst or tvice."

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Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...

"I'm sleeping with the Ministers wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after Church for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After Church, he starts talking to the Minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Minister...

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...

"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

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Not really a joke, but still....

post-8329-0-48736200-1440913666.jpg

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To those who care;

When NASA sent astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that

ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem,

NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes

in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at

temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again soon -- enjoy paying them.

Yeah but the Russians will be up the creek without a paddle if they ever need to write on glass at minus 300C....duh

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Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela was elected President after he was released from prison.

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DONT GET OFFENED....

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post-7195-0-26963600-1441776640_thumb.jp

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From the North woods of Maine: Bob and Alice are expecting their first child, with the due date imminent they headed off to town to the hospital. Soon the baby was born and in a short time another came along followed a few hours later by a third baby. Wow triplets Bob said to the Doctor, how does that happen? Well said the doc nature just works that way some times, did you use any fertility drugs? No said Bob but ; we did run out of Vaseline so I used some 3 in 1 oil. Oh! said the doctor, well its a good thing you didn't use WD 40! B)

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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money

​​.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer

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