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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Depends on the direction of travel!

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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Interesting question! Truth is it would not really matter. The last time I drove at a speed of 186,000 +/- miles per second, no human eye could keep up with the road ahead or the passing scenery. Nor could the cop see me go past.

Charlie

.

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If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for

you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to

paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those

of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually

have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a

major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last

moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by

the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that

spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,

so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on

the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the **** is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of

pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent

firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in

the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to

look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold

vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will

eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili

with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a

bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At

least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to

stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen

anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending,

this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,

fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's

going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot

chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

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That chili story is hilarious!!!

Jerry

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1256IHman,

That is one of the funniest "chili taste reviews" I've seen!! lol Seems like chili cook-offs have really got popular in the last 20 years or so. Just take any event and add a chili cook off to it and it will double the crowd.

For example...."2nd annual tractor pull and chili cook off" or "Bubba's Auto Shop-Cigarette Outlet Grand Opening and Chili Cook-Off".

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These certainly not new and possibly even a rerun here. Even so, still made me chuckle.

Charlie

HOW TO START A FIGHT Page 1.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... _
_______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might
as well sweep the driveway." Page 2.
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman - I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." That's when the fight began . . .
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning . . .the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

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These certainly not new and possibly even a rerun here. Even so, still made me chuckle.

Charlie

HOW TO START A FIGHT Page 1.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... _
_______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might
as well sweep the driveway." Page 2.
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman - I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." That's when the fight began . . .
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning . . .the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

Thanks for the laugh, I needed that.

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1st time I read this I was in tears, almost fell outta my chair!!!

x2

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If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for

you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to

paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those

of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually

have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a

major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last

moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by

the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that

spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,

so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on

the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the **** is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of

pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent

firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in

the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to

look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold

vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will

eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili

with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a

bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At

least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to

stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen

anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending,

this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,

fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's

going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot

chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Funniest thing I've read in a long time.

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*

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked”.

WOW!

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

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Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their Sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello Sarge."

"Yes."

"It looks like we have a homicide here. "

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet. "

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This could be.

post-8329-0-33178300-1433480375_thumb.jp

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actual conversation I heard yesterday in town

Hey Pete What'cha been up to?

I just finished putting some horse manure on my Rhubarb.

Huh, I never tried that. I always put sugar on mine...

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***


Why I'm Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
on the couch...
naked .

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Saw this the other day. Maybe been on here before.

post-328-0-72897800-1434053859_thumb.jpg

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yep

post-64588-0-39570600-1434054517_thumb.j

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and

post-64588-0-05057500-1434054676_thumb.j

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MTO I see what you're doing there. Indirect but clearly implied ethnic defamation is still ethnic defamation.

You should be ashamed of yourself. The Irish have it bad enough already without you piling on.

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MTO I see what you're doing there. Indirect but clearly implied ethnic defamation is still ethnic defamation.

You should be ashamed of yourself. The Irish have it bad enough already without you piling on.

:lol::lol::lol: ok , ENOUGH!

Rick

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