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What was the first thing the zombie did after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped.

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The body of a man was discovered near Kerrville Texas along state hwy 87.

Is that near you Rick G?

Anyhow, man had drowned from excess beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredricksburg.

The man was wearing 8" spiked heels, red garters, purple lipstick, false eyelashes, dazzle dust on his eyelids...

and an Obama t-shirt.

Authorities removed the shirt to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment...

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The body of a man was discovered near Kerrville Texas along state hwy 87.

Is that near you Rick G?

Anyhow, man had drowned from excess beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredricksburg.

The man was wearing 8" spiked heels, red garters, purple lipstick, false eyelashes, dazzle dust on his eyelids...

and an Obama t-shirt.

Authorities removed the shirt to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment...

Good one MTO

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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came

upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the

tree.

....

That's a really good one.

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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

...

That's good too.

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God Said, "Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me."

Adam
Said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?"

God
Said, "Go down
Into that Valley."


Adam said, "What's
A valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said,
"Cross the
River."

Adam said, "What's a
River?"

God explained that
To him, and then said,
"Go over to the
Hill......"

Adam said,"What is a
Hill?"


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
The Other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.."


Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."


Adam said, "What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you To
Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do That?"

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as Well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
The valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, Into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
About five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is
it NOW?"

And Adam said....


*

*




*

*


*

*

*

"What's a Headache?"

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I`M NO LONGER CONFUSED
I was confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'

Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV 'Service

Civil 'Service'

Municipal, City, & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Mike

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A man walks into his Dr. office all dressed in Saran Wrap. The Dr. quickly looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts!"

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Two nuts walk onto a bar ... one was a salted!

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Three men in Anchorage walk into a bar the fourth one ducked!

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A Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

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Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive towards our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 7 times a day with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?





Signed,
Lost





Dear Lost,
Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the
White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for
everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The
rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 2 more years.




Signed, Abby

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Good one John! You had me going!

And if women are so good at multi-tasking, why can`t they have sex and a headache at the same time?

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Guess it's time for another new joke. Had to go back 7 pages to find this thread.

Never Underestimate Them Southern Boys :D

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the **** are you from?”

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'


The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.


A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"


The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"


The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said,
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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Good on, T20. :D I'll have to pass that along to one of our local Catholic priests.

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A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day the farmer drove up to Chuck's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died".

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back". The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already".

Chuck said,"OK, then just bring me the dead horse". The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?

Chuck said, "I'm gonna raffle him off ".

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead".

A month later the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece and made a profit of $2495.00".

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back".

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

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A suspended lawyer. an illegal alien, a pathlogical liar, a Muslim, a Communist, a terrible golfer, and a black guy walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "What will you have, Mr. President?"

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A suspended lawyer. an illegal alien, a pathlogical liar, a Muslim, a Communist, a terrible golfer, and a black guy walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "What will you have, Mr. President?"

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A guy goes into US Postal service to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me &I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right
now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start
tomorrow at 10:00 am, & plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."


The guy is puzzled & asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee & scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that."

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Went to sign my dog up for welfare this week. They said he's not eligible. I said why not, he's lazy' unemployed and doesn't know who his daddy is.

Okay since you explained why you are signed up.

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Ole and Lena decided to get married. When they went to get their mariage license, the clerk asked "Relations?" "Yah," answered Lena shyly, "vunst or twice."

After the wedding, they started out on their honeymoon. Ole, feeling amorous, reached over and put his hand on Lena's thigh. Lena said, "You can go further than that, Ole." So Ole drove on to Duluth.

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Sven and Doo Dah were logging in the woods. Sven dropped a tree that rolled as it fell and before he could react Doo Dah was hit and instantly killed.

Sven left the woods and began the walk to Doo Dah's house to tell his wife of the tragedy that had just taken place. All along his journey he racked his brain trying to think of a way to break the terrible news to the poor now widowed woman. Finally he reached the house and stood before the door knocking, still not knowing what he would say. Doo Dah's wife answered the door and seeing Sven standing there alone asked, "Where is Doo Dah?" In a flash a tune popped into Sven's head and from his mouth came the answer to his dilemma.

Guess who died in the woods today,

Doo Dah, Doo Dah,

Guess who died when I fell that tree,

Oh your Doo Dah's dead

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