Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I came home from work the other day feeling hungry and found my wife laying face down dead in the bathroom. My first thought was oh good lord what do I do now?

Then I remembered Wendy's was doing a 2 for 1 deal on burgers plus I had forgot to pick up hydraulic oil for my backhoe on the way home so I went back to town.

I really hate making single trips to town for one item. ^_^

TCM, that`s just not right...

No, but its funny.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I personally did not think so, but that is just me. Better hope your wife doesn't get into this thread and read that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Subject: FW: THE HOOKER...

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style".

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."



AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Subject: FW: THE HOOKER...

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style".

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him.

Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US

I'm sure this is all in good fun but I'd like to point out that unless the illegal immigrant is working for cash he pays into Social Security and can never withdraw any money from it. I know how most people feel about illegals but the U.S. Government cannot afford to seal off the boarder as the illegals are paying a good deal of money to S.S. that the government cannot afford to loose. This is one little tidbit of info the media fails to report.

Sorry, Rant Over, carry on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry about stepping on your toes Orchard. I am no authority on the subject--------but I think when the words illegal immigrants comes up; some sorting and qualifying probably needs to be made.

Technically-------those with "green cards" are not illegal. I would think the ones you work have their green cards???

And------exactly where did the "imigrant" come from. Not all are coming here to gain lawful employment.

Anyway---------keep growing those apples; ------cause I sure enjoy chomping on them.

DD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No offense taken, I was just pointing out that even though many people get into this country illegally if they work for any place that is a legal place of employment they pay and do not receive any benefits.

Yes, all people employed at our farm have to have documents but there are very good counterfeiters that for a few $$ will produce all the legal documents they need and they do look legitimate so there is always that possibility that some of our workers may be illegal. We do our best to determine legal from illegal but with today's technology it is nearly impossible to tell real from fake papers.

We'll have some apples ready in about 4-5 weeks! If you ever find yourself near Grand Rapids, Mi shoot me a pm and I'll give you the $.10 tour!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jim Claypoole stopped in the shop today to brag about his newest granddaughter they named after his grandma. The baby`s name is Grandma Claypoole...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -
they're so rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Studies have shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than their men who mention it...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It was the couples wedding night. They checked in to the motel and the bride quickly slipped into a beautiful night gown and walked into the bedroom. The groom could not get over how nice she looked in the night gown. He finally got serious and said there is one thing you could do to make you and the gown look even better. She looked at him with a little hurt in her eyes and said. What ? He said, remove the gown and lay it on the side of the bed !

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Government statistics??? If so. from what administration?? Are these numbers just humans or are dogs, cats, and/or spider monkeys included. Inquiring minds want to know.

Thanks,

Charlie

The facts, Sir, just the facts. (Joe Friday)

Oh, and just one more thing! (Columbo)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There is female hormone (estrogen) in beer and I can prove it.

Get a 12 pack.

Now drink it as fast as you can.

Now you wont be able to drive either!

Rick

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Never try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other!

-Al Bundy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Never try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other!

-Al Bundy

***** :) :) :) *****

A dollar short and a week late.

-Kelly Bundy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a new diet sweeping the nation, its 100% effective. Its called the Obama diet, all you have to do is let Vladimir Putin eat your lunch every day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Elderly couple sitting in a pew at mass.

She leans over and whispers to her husband, " I just left a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Get a new battery in your hearing aid"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A 95 year old man takes a walk by the lake. He stops to take in all that is around him. He hears a voice say "kiss me and I'll turn into a princess". He looks around and there is a frog at his feet. He picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog says didn't you hear me, kiss me and I'll turn into a princess. The old man looks at the frog and said " at 95 I would rather have a talking frog.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came
upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the
tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are
you doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
'You've got to be kidding' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped
his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With
this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck
happened to you?'
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head
in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently on the
neck, bit his ear lobe and said, 'This just ain't your day,
Cupcake...'


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come and splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good one Doc. I gotta admit though, I had to read the last line 3 times before I got it. Duh!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Elderly couple sitting in a pew at mass.

She leans over and whispers to her husband, " I just left a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Get a new battery in your hearing aid"

That one made me spit coffee on my key board. :D:D:D I'll have to share that one with the preacher on Sunday.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...