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Help me understand ......


766 Man
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....why people refuse to fly right.  BIL has been a train wreck since the MIL & FIL passed recently.  The BIL never could maintain the smallest amount of self discipline while living with his parents darn near all his adult life.  Now he is spinning out of control and most likely will lose the job he has courtesy of my wife his sister.  I don't hate the guy but it is too bad it is going to take some disaster for him to finally see what he has been doing wrong.  Sorry to rant but I needed to get one thing of many off of my chest of people who really bug me as of late which is several more than I need.

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@766 Man

thoughts for you

Sorry to hear your mil/fil passed recently thats huge trauma for a solid person - grieving looks different for everyone

when you say self discipline, we all have our spin on that but if a person is allowed to live with parents that is not healthy for the receiving person - much to talk about there on both sides. 

I teach/facilitate a couple different wellness groups - my biggest thoughts on this would be............

1) people dont know what they dont know ( myself included ) 

2) are people doing the best they can? ( that is an ongoing debate for me ) think about it though it will give you perspective 

3) we CANNOT control anyone or anything other than ourselves 

4) there is a reward for being self damaging - this is deep stuff - you will have to ponder this much and look at it from someone elses situation to see/process it

we are ALL riddled by sin, satan wants to destroy us and he is good at it 

 

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5 minutes ago, searcyfarms said:

@766 Man

thoughts for you

Sorry to hear your mil/fil passed recently thats huge trauma for a solid person - grieving looks different for everyone

when you say self discipline, we all have our spin on that but if a person is allowed to live with parents that is not healthy for the receiving person - much to talk about there on both sides. 

I teach/facilitate a couple different wellness groups - my biggest thoughts on this would be............

1) people dont know what they dont know ( myself included ) 

2) are people doing the best they can? ( that is an ongoing debate for me ) think about it though it will give you perspective 

3) we CANNOT control anyone or anything other than ourselves 

4) there is a reward for being self damaging - this is deep stuff - you will have to ponder this much and look at it from someone elses situation to see/process it

we are ALL riddled by sin, satan wants to destroy us and he is good at it 

 

  The wife and I have been married for almost 32 years and it is hard to fully describe my BIL w/o having a front row seat such as I have had for that period.  My BIL is different but not so different as to not being able to function in society.  What is done is done in terms of how his parents dealt with him.  My wife is executor of the estate for her parents and the bottom line is my BIL's word is worth less than a small pile of cow plop.  My wife advanced part of what my BIL is due from the estate but he has completely failed to honor the plan he laid before my wife.  I fear how her siblings will react when word of this eventually will reach them.  I fear him showing up with his clothing to live here and he is aggressive enough to try it.  The bottom line is I don't want a guy here who was a small time petty thief while living with his parents and I don't want people forcing their way in my house at 3AM to collect on his drug debts such as his parents had to endure a few times.  

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@766 Man you have all the power in the world!!!!

Step 1 - take the emotion out of it 

Truth - your BIL is responsible for what he does with anything NOT your wife - if your wife's family asks, she says he gets what he gets, mom n dad left it to him, its his and what he chooses to do with it is on him

Truth - when he comes to your door, you DO NOT have to let him stay there and cause turmoil in your home - tell him to get help there are plenty of places for that 

Truth - Your wife nor yourself answer to any others ( her family for example )  for your choices/decisions, you answer to only one person - he will hold you accountable not anyone else

when you finally realize and do things in respect to the Truth of the Word, you will realize the peace you have been missing

if you do not live with this perspective, good luck with having any peace in your life 

struggles are one thing, peace is another - we will always have struggles - you have a choice for living in peace 

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7 minutes ago, searcyfarms said:

@766 Man you have all the power in the world!!!!

Step 1 - take the emotion out of it 

Truth - your BIL is responsible for what he does with anything NOT your wife - if your wife's family asks, she says he gets what he gets, mom n dad left it to him, its his and what he chooses to do with it is on him

Truth - when he comes to your door, you DO NOT have to let him stay there and cause turmoil in your home - tell him to get help there are plenty of places for that 

Truth - Your wife nor yourself answer to any others ( her family for example )  for your choices/decisions, you answer to only one person - he will hold you accountable not anyone else

when you finally realize and do things in respect to the Truth of the Word, you will realize the peace you have been missing

if you do not live with this perspective, good luck with having any peace in your life 

struggles are one thing, peace is another - we will always have struggles - you have a choice for living in peace 

  It's easy to take the emotion out of it when it is one or two problems.  I have problems with people on multiple fronts.

 

  My BIL will make life complicated for my wife if even indirectly.  Ultimately, I don't have to let him in but that does not mean there will not be an extremely unpleasant encounter.  My BIL is physically a big man and we suspect part of the problem with his parents was that maybe he was physically abusive with them.  

 

  In any event thanks for responding.  Not that misery loves company but maybe somebody else here is facing a similar problem and the discussion here may prove useful.  It is easy to get people to live within the rules of society when they believe in those rules.  When they do not believe in those rules is when chaos reigns.  

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10 minutes ago, 766 Man said:

  It's easy to take the emotion out of it when it is one or two problems.  I have problems with people on multiple fronts.

 

  My BIL will make life complicated for my wife if even indirectly.  Ultimately, I don't have to let him in but that does not mean there will not be an extremely unpleasant encounter.  My BIL is physically a big man and we suspect part of the problem with his parents was that maybe he was physically abusive with them.  

 

  In any event thanks for responding.  Not that misery loves company but maybe somebody else here is facing a similar problem and the discussion here may prove useful.  It is easy to get people to live within the rules of society when they believe in those rules.  When they do not believe in those rules is when chaos reigns.  

if you adn your wife are not on the same page that will be difficult if she wants to rescue him like her parents

your brother in law needs to understand you will take it to law enforcement and let the chips fall if you are concerned for your safety

bullies need to learn there are rules - you need to gather family and friends who support you and show he is not going to be just picking on YOU and your wife - you have a team behind you 

ive been bullied, i am in a blended family, i have a jerry springer family, boundaries are critical in times like these, i had to kick out my own daughter, ( i know the emotion part well )  im the only one in my entire family that doesnt consume alcohol because of what I have seen, I have watched drugs riddle my family, i made a conclusion to not allow myself to become part of all of that and lead differently in my home - be firm but loving - i know easier said than done and ive cried a lot thru the pain and experiences - you can exclude the chaos with your boundaries, its your choice - you will have pain, you will suffer, you might even cry like me

 

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Not quite the the same circumstances yyears ago had to use the tough love approach on my daughter, she was spiraling down fast and I had to tell her no more, I told if you was going to continue on the path she was on not to call me or ssk for any more help, to prove it I took her number out of my phone right in front of her , one of the toughest things I have had to do, long story short she finally got , come back apologizing for her mistakes, now we have a great relationship and I am with her and my grandchildren most every day !  She ‘s not perfect as none of us are but she has held a great job for over 3  1/2 years now she will tell people it was the best thing for her . Tough love works but it takes time ,prayer and trust in our savior Jesus Christ, you be in my prayers?

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In todays world, people get by with all kinds of stuff that is wrong. They know that the law wont touch them, and that makes things worse for you.

I cant post what I would do if I were in your shoes, ---- BUT stand up for yourself and if wife dont agree, then its gonna be a bad road for the family!

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8 minutes ago, searcyfarms said:

if you adn your wife are not on the same page that will be difficult if she wants to rescue him like her parents

your brother in law needs to understand you will take it to law enforcement and let the chips fall if you are concerned for your safety

bullies need to learn there are rules - you need to gather family and friends who support you and show he is not going to be just picking on YOU and your wife - you have a team behind you 

ive been bullied, i am in a blended family, i have a jerry springer family, boundaries are critical in times like these, i had to kick out my own daughter, ( i know the emotion part well )  im the only one in my entire family that doesnt consume alcohol because of what I have seen, I have watched drugs riddle my family, i made a conclusion to not allow myself to become part of all of that and lead differently in my home - be firm but loving - i know easier said than done and ive cried a lot thru the pain and experiences - you can exclude the chaos with your boundaries, its your choice - you will have pain, you will suffer, you might even cry like me

 

  It is easier said than done.  As said before my BIL does not believe he has to play by the rules of society and that is why we are fearful.  He could tell a drug dealer to come to my house to pay on his drug debt without telling me prior.  Not that I would pay his debt but the point is that rather soon he could put someone in physical danger or worse.  For that matter he is connected with a lot of low lifes and I don't want that many more chances of a bad encounter because he told someone he lives with me (not true) or his other siblings.

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3 minutes ago, Craig61019 said:

Not quite the the same circumstances yyears ago had to use the tough love approach on my daughter, she was spiraling down fast and I had to tell her no more, I told if you was going to continue on the path she was on not to call me or ssk for any more help, to prove it I took her number out of my phone right in front of her , one of the toughest things I have had to do, long story short she finally got , come back apologizing for her mistakes, now we have a great relationship and I am with her and my grandchildren most every day !  She ‘s not perfect as none of us are but she has held a great job for over 3  1/2 years now she will tell people it was the best thing for her . Tough love works but it takes time ,prayer and trust in our savior Jesus Christ, you be in my prayers?

  For the short term we are tethered to him because of the settlement of the estate and that part of it is my wife has been made a trustee of his share to a certain extent.  

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1 hour ago, SONNY said:

In todays world, people get by with all kinds of stuff that is wrong. They know that the law wont touch them, and that makes things worse for you.

I cant post what I would do if I were in your shoes, ---- BUT stand up for yourself and if wife dont agree, then its gonna be a bad road for the family!

exactly what i was saying, get support and lay it down if anyone comes around you will not tolerate it - dont be bullied

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When I was younger I was briefly involved with an also young woman that I should never have been with. I guess I was somewhat sheltered when I was growing up and just didn’t realize how some people chose to live before that experience. I saw many things that I couldn’t believe that involved the way she lived and also the way some of her family lived. I first thought that they lived that way because no one had ever told them better. I quickly learned that trying to show her or her family a better way was met with ferocious opposition. They liked to drink and party and enjoyed the occasional recreational drug. Her and her family only worked enough to barley scrape by at very low level jobs and had no desire to do more. No one could understand when I told them that excessive use of alcohol and drugs and bad decisions go hand in hand. They couldn’t understand why anyone wanted to “spend all of their time at work”. They would never admit it, but I came to the conclusion they lived that way because they thought it was easier. They didn’t have much, but they didn’t have to work very hard to get it. They knew all the government handouts to get, were never hungry and thought they had a lot of “fun”. My dad was never happier when I told him we were no longer together. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I would have stuck with her. I cared about her, but finally walked away and never looked back. She almost drank herself to death when a family member died she was close to. She just couldn’t or wouldn’t do any different and I couldn’t take it anymore. You just can’t help some of them. To this day not much of their circumstances have changed. I’m glad at least I don’t have to be a part of it. 

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2 hours ago, 766 Man said:

In any event thanks for responding.  Not that misery loves company but maybe somebody else here is facing a similar problem and the discussion here may prove useful.  It is easy to get people to live within the rules of society when they believe in those rules.  When they do not believe in those rules is when chaos reigns.  

Feel free to PM me and talk. 

Need to have some rules and make it abundantly clear that there will be **** to pay if they get crossed. 

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30 minutes ago, Dirt_Floor_Poor said:

When I was younger I was briefly involved with an also young woman that I should never have been with. I guess I was somewhat sheltered when I was growing up and just didn’t realize how some people chose to live before that experience. I saw many things that I couldn’t believe that involved the way she lived and also the way some of her family lived. I first thought that they lived that way because no one had ever told them better. I quickly learned that trying to show her or her family a better way was met with ferocious opposition. They liked to drink and party and enjoyed the occasional recreational drug. Her and her family only worked enough to barley scrape by at very low level jobs and had no desire to do more. No one could understand when I told them that excessive use of alcohol and drugs and bad decisions go hand in hand. They couldn’t understand why anyone wanted to “spend all of their time at work”. They would never admit it, but I came to the conclusion they lived that way because they thought it was easier. They didn’t have much, but they didn’t have to work very hard to get it. They knew all the government handouts to get, were never hungry and thought they had a lot of “fun”. My dad was never happier when I told him we were no longer together. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I would have stuck with her. I cared about her, but finally walked away and never looked back. She almost drank herself to death when a family member died she was close to. She just couldn’t or wouldn’t do any different and I couldn’t take it anymore. You just can’t help some of them. To this day not much of their circumstances have changed. I’m glad at least I don’t have to be a part of it. 

  You said quite a lot in that paragraph.  There are more people out there like your one time girlfriend's family than responsible people  at least from my view point.  A lot of therm are leaches which points to another problem with somebody I am related to.  When I think of it in a general way it makes me think that we are living in the final days in terms of the Bible.  Time for a restart if mankind is to advance onward.  

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There are three types of people in the world. Those that are not morons, those that are but work at not being one, and morons that don't give a crap.

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52 minutes ago, cobfly said:

There are three types of people in the world. Those that are not morons, those that are but work at not being one, and morons that don't give a crap.

which one are you ? 

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1 hour ago, searcyfarms said:

which one are you ? 

I’m hard at work trying not to be a moron, but my level of success or failure may depend on who you ask

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Sometimes it takes a person to set down with another, tell them you care and just listen.

The BIL has lost his parents and sounds devastated.

Try talking and listening before things get worse.

Be firm yet compassionate as he needs a new friend.

He has lost the structure in his life and is probably carrying as much baggage as the rest.

He has a different way of dealing with stress and forced change.

Looking the other way only makes things worse.

I certainly hope things do work out.

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, ihrondiesel said:

I’m hard at work trying not to be a moron, but my level of success or failure may depend on who you ask

my level or moronic varies from day to day, i guess cobfly must be on the fence or indecisive - i took my meds today so im having a fair day 

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7 hours ago, 766 Man said:

  When I think of it in a general way it makes me think that we are living in the final days in terms of the Bible.  Time for a restart if mankind is to advance onward.  

I’ve said that very same thing in another topic and was accused of being a bible thumper…??

There are people in this world who can’t pick themselves up, and when a good person comes along they do everything possible to pull that good person down instead of lifting themselves up…it’s easier for them to live in their comfort zones than it is to improve their situation. 
It sounds like this B-I-L has been allowed to stay in his comfort zone by well meaning parents who didn’t want to upset him… 

This person needs tough love. Possibly too little, too late, but that can not be a concern.

@searcyfarms seems to be well versed in this…

My thoughts and prayers to you both. ???


 

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Be patient, and good luck.  
 

 

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Wife's sister over dosed recently, there never was anything that could change it. Wasn't welcome on our property for years. Hard to be firm, but you and your wife need to knuckle down. Money is all he will care about so he can fuel the fire. Never trust and never let your guard down.

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My grandfather used to say “ you can lead a horse to water, but the only way to make him drink is to hold his head under and suck on his a$$hole” 

point being some people don’t want help and simply need to be written off as a bad job, however difficult that may be. 

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Im sorry for the bad situation you are in. It stinks.  I really believe that the worst thing you could do is let him live with you.  If he doesn't want to accept that, you need to call the police.  At some point,  if the only reason he's still trying to hang around is the estate, would it be possible to get it divided up and give him his share with the caveat that there's no more contact with you? I have prayed and will continue to pray for you. 

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