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I have always admired the older guys who rattled off funny quips without missing a beat. Usually to make a point without offending anyone. Perhaps this is a lost art that should make a comeback. Some I can remember most I can't, sometimes they come to mind when needed.

Squeaky wheel gets greased first.

If I had that and he had a feather in his butt we would both be tickled.

Times are darker than a well diggers butt.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Price is higher than a woodpeckers hole

 

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Years ago in Boy Scouts we were selling poppies, after we were done we went to the Legion, this was around 1994, a WW2 veteran there told about when he was young that a mouse was getting into the brea

Oh......you know a few Australians  ??? Mike

If you could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth you could be rich.

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 My grandpa used to say s#$thouse mouse! Or " that things a jittney". Or theres " hes too dumb to pour piss out of boot". My grandpa wasnt worried about offending people!

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2 minutes ago, Craig61019 said:

Have another one that is rather vulgar about tightness compared to a certain area of a nun

Yep I kinda stayed away from those "funnier ones"  A wise customer of mine said there was more real estate traded over a certain lady part than any bankers desk

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My grandfather had a saying If you smell something first you better look in your on pants . dad had a good saying for eating at buffets. Might Just as well be the first  hog to the trough

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6 minutes ago, 1965Dennis said:

So poor we can't even pay attention.

See there you go talking about me and I am not offended. lol

That farm is so poor it takes a full load of fertilizer to raise a rock

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8 minutes ago, TractormanMike.mb said:

The early bird catches the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Years ago in Boy Scouts we were selling poppies, after we were done we went to the Legion, this was around 1994, a WW2 veteran there told about when he was young that a mouse was getting into the bread, they were poor folk and couldn’t spare what the mouse was eating or anything to bait the trap, so he cut out a picture of cheese from a magazine for the trap, next day he caught a picture of a mouse!!

 

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A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore

if he knew half as much as he thought he did he’d be dangerous

53 minutes ago, IHKeith said:

You must be two people, cause no one person could be so stupid 

When god was handing out brains you thought he said trains and said he wasn’t going anywhere 

we were always told “when God passed out common sense that guy traded his for a lollipop 

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Too many good men went **** pounding cold steel

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One last one , worked with a guy that when ever someone started to complain to him , he would ask if they had a quarter, when they said yes he would tell them to call someone who cared, wasn’t much of a people person😎

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most of the funniest ones are crude and fit the situation at the time they were told to me.


“I bet he could suck the filling out of a Twinkie and not even cave in the sides”

“dumber than owl $***”

”I’ve been to three county fairs, two whore houses, and a goat ropin and ain’t never seen the like”

“mosquitos so big they could F a Turkey standing flat footed”

”she may not be pretty but she could stay home”

“sharp as a marble”

”I wouldn’t wear that to a $*** throw”

 

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4 minutes ago, Sledgehammer said:

most of the funniest ones are crude and fit the situation at the time they were told to me.

Ain't that the truth

Sorta like " He lives down there where the owls  #uck the chickens"  or suck a watermelon through a garden hose

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...noticed on the ''snow topic ' a little saying re ''when men   were men...''

..down underback in the days it went....

""when   men were  men....and women ate their   young..''

...a bit grim....but no worse than 'Sledge's  '' mosquito and Turkey  body fluid  exchange'', line.....:D

Mike

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Do you understand all you know about that.

I have as much of a chance to win as a one legged man in an a$$ kicking contest.

If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his nose.

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