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What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

How do you get down off of an elephant?

You don't. You get down off of a duck.

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

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Chuck Norris walked into a bar.

No one dared make any jokes.

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Yesterday a shipment of Viagra was stolen from a pharmaceutical distributor. The police are looking for several hardened criminals.

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A guy I met told me he had the worlds fastest three legged cat.

I said really? How did you measure it? Strait line speed or curved trajectory? :huh:

He wont talk to me any more. :wacko:

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Yesterday a shipment of Viagra was stolen from a pharmaceutical distributor. The police are looking for several hardened criminals.

:):D:lol:

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I think I posted this a long time ago, but here 'tis again:

A radio talk show host was interviewing a WWII vet who'd served as waist gunner on a B-17. The host asked him "what was the most dangerous mission you went on?"

The waist gunner, a good old boy, said "that's easy. We had to go to Berlin once, and when we was still quite a ways out, the flak started up. Them black puffs was so thick you could've walked on 'em. We lost several planes, but we just kept on a goin'."

"Then here come the fighters. About 30 or so of them Fokkers come divin' out of the sun. We got several of them, and they got several of us. But we just kept on a goin'."

"Then more flak, till we dropped our bombs. Then here come them Fokkers again. They was buzzin' in and out of our formation, shootin' all the time. We got several more of them Fokkers, then...".

The host interrupted to say "I'd like to let our radio listeners know that the Fokker was a type of German fighter aircraft. Sir, were these FW 190's?"

The old timer said "I don't think so. I'm purty sure them Fokkers was Messerschmidts".

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall The police are looking in to it.

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An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog. He reached down and grabbed the frog and started to put it in his pocket when the bullfrog said,"Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into the most beautiful woman in the world."

Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket. The frog asked,"Didn't you hear what I said ?"

The farmer looked at the frog and said," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

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The bill collector called the Blonde and told her she must make a payment on her storm windows she installed a year ago or face forclosure !

"HELLO" said the Blonde..do you think I am dumb or something ?

I have a video tape here of the window salesman telling me if I installed these storm windows they would pay for themselves in 6 months !

Now, quit bothering me !

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The bill collector called the Blonde and told her she must make a payment on her storm windows she installed a year ago or face forclosure !

"HELLO" said the Blonde..do you think I am dumb or something ?

I have a video tape here of the window salesman telling me if I installed these storm windows they would pay for themselves in 6 months !

Now, quit bothering me !

Reminds me of an old I Love Lucy show, when she kept buying appliances and furniture till she had a whole truckload. After the salesman gave her the price of each item, he told her how much he could save her on it. She said "tell me when I've saved enough to pay for what I've bought".

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The bill collector called the Blonde and told her she must make a payment on her storm windows she installed a year ago or face forclosure !

"HELLO" said the Blonde..do you think I am dumb or something ?

I have a video tape here of the window salesman telling me if I installed these storm windows they would pay for themselves in 6 months !

Now, quit bothering me !

You are O.K., Bill. I like the way that girl thinks, blonde or not.

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

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post-64610-0-76177200-1363206475_thumb.jI hear the state of Idaho is to be banned, when turned on its side it looks like a handgun.

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Q. What do you call a bunch of cows?
A. A herd.

Q. What do you call a bunch of fish?
A. A school.

Q. What do you call a bunch of John Deere's?
A. A trailer load.

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The Blond was tired of all the dumb blond jokes. She decided to show her husband how smart she was by painting the walls of two rooms of the house while he was at work.

Upon arrival home from the work the husband came in, smelled fresh paint, and noticed the new paint on the walls. He went a little further and found his wife sweating and laying on floor with her two winter coats on.

Honey, what is wrong? I almost fainted painting the walls to surprise you, she said. How did I do ? Looks good he said but why do you have your two heavy coats on. She replied, I wanted this job to be good so I read the directions carefully. The first thing the instructions on the can said was, For best results put on two coats !

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I apologize to any blond ladies that may be reading these jokes.

All in fun.

You may come back with "Dumb Old Grey Haired Men jokes" to get me back !

Bill

\\

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Stewardess tells the blond her seat is in coach, not first class. I`m blond, beautiful and going to the bahamas says the blond refusing to move

Stewardess brings the co-pilot who tells blond to move to coach as her ticket says. I`m blond, beautiful and going to the bahamas replies the stubborn blond.

Soon the Captain appears and whispers into the blond`s ear and she immediately moves to her coach seat.

Stewardess asks the captain what he whispered that made the blond move. Captain replies, "I told her this part of the plane isn`t going to the bahamas!"

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There once was a millionaire who kept a bunch of big alligators in his swimming pool.

The millonaire also had a beautiful daughter.

One evening the daughter was having a party with her friends in the room with the pool full of alligators.

The millionaire came in and said lets have some fun, if anyone can jump into that pool and swim to other side without getting hurt or eaten by the alligators can have either a million dollars or my daughters hand in marriage.

Almost before he finished his challenge he heard a loud splash.

He turned around and saw a big strong good looking boy swimming for his life across the pool.

Luckily he made it unharmed.

The millionaire with a big smile said the money or my daughter ?

The boy with a big scowl yelled neither, I want the SOB who pushed me in the pool !

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I apologize to any blond ladies that may be reading these jokes.

All in fun.

You may come back with "Dumb Old Grey Haired Men jokes" to get me back !

Bill

\\

Nothing to fear. If any did read them they wouldn't get them and hence not be offended.

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Drunk irishman in a pub. A few good samaritans decide to take him home. When they lifted him to get his address out of his wallet, he fell and hard. He fell 8 more times by the time they got him to their car. He fell 4 times between their car and his front porch. When his wife answered the doorbell she asked, "Thanks fellas but where`s his wheelchair?"

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3 men are together in a building. A ol' Texas boy, a canadian farmer and Osama Bin Laden(or Obama)

They stumble on a lantern and a genie pops out of it

"You get 3 wishes total men", says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a prairie farmer and my son will farm the prairie as well. I want the land of Canada to be forever fertile and productive.

POOF! With a blink, the Genie made the land of Canada fertile forever.

Osama is shocked, so he says, "I want a wall around every single Islam nation everywhere in the world. This way no infidels can enter and we can live in paradise."

POOF! The genie blinks and great wall arise around every Muslim nation in the world.

The Texans turn. "Tell me about these walls"' he ask.

The genie explains, "Well they are 5000' tall, 500' thick, and 100% surround every Muslim country around the world. Totally impenetrable."

The good ol' boy sits down, opens a beer and smiles. "Fill 'em all with water."...................

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Dang TroyD...I was all set to be PO'd when you started that joke, (natural born Texan here) then I read the punch line. Now that's a good'un!!! lol

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I'm offended....

What a waste of good water....

Okay...I'm over it.

Two Canadians were in a boat in the middle of a rather large lake. One guy gets something on his line, pulls it up to discover it's a plugged bottle. He pulls the cork and WHOOOOSH, out flows a Genie!

The Genie says, " Thank you for releasing me, as a reward I shall grant you ONE wish for my power is great and nothing is beyond it."

The guy thinks long and hard while looking around, suddenly he says excitedly, " I got it! I want you to turn this entire lake into beer!"

The Genie says, " So it shall be done...KAZAM!" and disappears.

Now, being very proud of his choice, the guy fills his thermos and takes a big chug, proudly looks at his buddy and says, "What do you think of that?!"

His buddy looks around and back at the first guy and says, " You freaking idiot....now we have to piss in the boat!"

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Geordie and Mable go to the big smoke(london england) on a once in a lifetime vacation geordie is a proud IH man and always wears an IH hat on day one they decied to take a tour to meet the Queen all tourists are in the great hall waiting for queen to arrive she comes in nods here head and says good morning then crosses the hall straight to a guy with a JD hat on(John Deere not Jack Daniels) speaks to him and his wife then says good buy to everyone. Now mable is upset she always wanted to speak to the queen but alas says geordie its not to be anyway that afternoon geordie sees a JD hat for sale and says to mable I am going to cheer you up I will buy that JD hat and we will go on the palace tour tommorow and the queen may speak to us next morning they wait in the great hall the queen arrives nods her head says good morning then heads straight to Geordie and Mable, I am going to tell you pair the same as I told the couple here yesterday if I ever see you here again with a John Deere hat on I will have you locked in the tower for the rest of your lives.

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