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A tourist was visiting a state far from his home. The tourist liked to visit a church when ever he traveled to a new area. So the tourist asked a local person in the area if there were any churches close by ? The native thought a minute and said, No we haven't had a Church's for sometime but there is a Colonel Sanders KFC down the street.

I promise, no more Chicken jokes for awhile !

Bill

Friend of mine was in a band and they had a gig at a Knights of Columbus in a town they had never been to.

Realizing that they were lost they stopped and asked a group of young adults if they knew where the K of C was.

The driver wrote down the directions and followed them carefully and when they got to their destination they were pulling into a .....

Kentucky Fried Chicken

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A farmer went to town and bought a brand new manure spreader cause the old one died. He took it out with the first load and the apron broke instantly! He pitched it off and then fixed the apron figuring it was a fluke and tried again. On the second load the apron broke again! Angry beyond belief he drove like a wild man,spreader in tow back to the dealer and demanded they fix the issue or give him a new one. To his dismay the dealer showed him the sales agreement and in the fine print it read:no warranty sold as is! The farmer now enraged yelled at the salesman and said"You mean to tell me you won't even stand behind your own manure spreaders!"

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State trooper was sitting beside the highway when a brand new Corvette goes by doing about 120mph. He pursues and eventually catches the Vette. He walks up to the car and sees a older man in his 70's behind the wheel.

It's getting late, hot and dusty, so the trooper says to the old man "If you can give me a excuse for going so fast that I haven't heard in my 30 year career, I'll let you go with no ticket."

Without batting an eye, the old man says "Last week my wife ran off with another state trooper and I thought you was him trying to bring her back!!"

He didn't get a ticket....

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OK MTO you asked for it. Hope this doesn't get me kicked off of here. :P

A big burly Texan walks into a crowded New York city bar carring a saddle bag. He walks up to the bartender and asks, " If I show you the most amazing thing you ever saw, can I get a free beer"?

"Well sez the bartender, you show me what's so amazing and I'll decide if it's worth a free beer."

The Texan reaches in the saddle bag and pulls out a snap'n turtle, unzips his fly, pulls out his privates and lets the turtle snap right on.

He stands there for several minutes with the turtle just hang'n on.

Pretty soon he takes two fingers and carefully but abruptly pokes the turtle in the eyes and the turtle lets go. Texan puts the turtle back in the saddle bag & zips his pants up.

The Texan turns to the bartender and says, "Does that get me a free beer"?

The bartender is totally blown away by what he just saw and how tuff this guy must be. (as is everyone else in the bar)---He tells the Texan that he can drink all night for free.

After several hours of drinking the Texan turns around and hollers at the crowd, "Anybody else wanna try this"?

Squirelly little guy from of the back of the bar walks up and says, "I will, ya big savage, as long as ya don't poke me in the eyes".

LOL. I've been thinking of bascially the same joke. In the version I heard the guy has a pet alligator.

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Alcohol-- The best "night-time slurring, headache creating, dehydration having, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance" medicine.

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A B-17 is shot down over Germany and the whole crew is captured. They're taken before an SS Major at the Stalag.

He says "I vill teach you American schvine discipline. Ven I zay Tick you vill lean to da right. Ven I zay Tock you vill lean to da left."

He begins "Tick". They lean to the right. "Tock". They lean to the left.

This goes on for a minute or two until he notices one of the crew who seems stuck and just keeps jerking to the right no matter what the Major says. Enraged the Major briskly walks down to the airman, leans in face-to-face to him and sneers "Ve have vays of making you Tock."

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Nice!

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How can you tell when elephants have been "messing around" in your garage?

Your Hefty trash bags are missingt!

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!

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How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

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State trooper was sitting beside the highway when a brand new Corvette goes by doing about 120mph. He pursues and eventually catches the Vette. He walks up to the car and sees a older man in his 70's behind the wheel.

It's getting late, hot and dusty, so the trooper says to the old man "If you can give me a excuse for going so fast that I haven't heard in my 30 year career, I'll let you go with no ticket."

Without batting an eye, the old man says "Last week my wife ran off with another state trooper and I thought you was him trying to bring her back!!"

He didn't get a ticket....

Good one two step ! Reminds me of one.

Older gentleman was wandering and looking around the grocery store. Employee noticed and asked if he needed help ? Oh, I came in with my wife and now I have lost her.The employee asked if he could help find her.

The old gent said, no thanks, but I am upset. If I knew I could come here and lose her so easily I should have brought her here years ago !

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A blind man and his seeing eye dog walk into a WalMart. The man goes in about 10 steps or so, picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging it in a circle over his head. The greeter runs over and says "Sir, can I help you find something?" The man says, "No thanks, We're just looking around!"

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That is funny as h%ll!

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Sven and Ollie go to the used car lot looking to buy some transportation. The salesman asks how much they have to spend. They tell him they only have $200. He says that's pretty limiting but he does have something in their price range. The salesman takes them around back and there stands an elephant. Salesman says don't pre-judge; this elephant is trained. When it comes to a traffic light and if it's red it automatically stops on its own. When the light turns green it takes off, again on its own.

Well Sven and Ollie didn't have much choice so they bought the elephant, climbed on top, and took off down the street. About 30-minutes later the salesman sees them walking back in with sad looks on their faces. He asks "Where's the elephant?"

Sven says "When we left here it was just like you said it would be. We came up to a light that was red and the elephant stopped. When it turned green the elephant took off. The next light was green and the elephant just kept going right on down the street. Everything was going great.

But the next light was the problem. It was red so the elephant stopped. While we were sitting there a couple of guys in a convertible pull up next to us. The driver said to the passenger, Hey look at those two a**holes on that elephant. We hadn't noticed that back here at the car lot so Ollie and I climbed down to take a look for ourselves. Next thing you know the light turned green and off went the elephant."

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What do you call a constipated German???

Farfrompoopin!

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Sven calls the police department sounding very distraught.

Sven - "Oh my God dis is terrible. My dear sweet wife of 50-years is dead, she's gone, she's gone."

Dispatcher - "Sir I am so sorry to hear this. What is your address? We'll send the cororner right over."

Sven - "Da house iz at 312 Eucalyptus Lane."

Dispatcher - "Excuse me sir would you please spell that for me?"

Sven - "Hmm??..... How's bout I just drag her on over ta Oak Street?"

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The pope, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and a smart blonde all got killed in a car wreck. They all ended up at the gates of heaven and St Peter says, "We only have room for one of you, We're almost full." Who got in?

The pope, the other 3 don't exist!!!!!

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"The boy's so dumb he thinks the Mexican border pays rent."

- Foghorn Leghorn

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Two guys come in a bar laughing, happy as all get up. "drinks on the house, we're gonna be in the Guinness Book of

World Records. We still can't believe it." The bartender shouted "That's amazing. I never met anybody in the book of

records. What'd you do?" One of them proudly stated that they just finished a jig-saw puzzle & it only took them 3 weeks. The bartender then asked them how that was a record. The other one snarled back- "It's right on the box-

2-4 YEARS.

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall The police are looking in to it.

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Have you ever wondered why there are so many
John Deere tractors at the antique tractor shows?

They made antiques 20 years longer than anyone else.

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She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

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Have you ever wondered why there are so many

John Deere tractors at the antique tractor shows?

They made antiques 20 years longer than anyone else.

"LIKE" :)

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News Flash ! !

Toilet stolen at local police station. ! ! Police have nothing go go on. ! !

T.J.

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