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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC .

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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Another forum I'm on has a long-running new joke thread. It's kind of nice to have one place to post 'em as you hear 'em.

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Good one Steve! Tommy came home beaming with an A+ on his math test. "Fine job son" says his Dad. "Where did I get my intelligence Dad?" asks Tommy. Never taking his eyes off the newspaper the Dad replys, "You musta got it from your mother because I still have mine."

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One question in a medical school exam asked; Rearrange these letters, PNESI, to spell an important part of the body that is more useful when erect.

Those who spelled "SPINE" became doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

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Man and his wife are sitting on the sofa one night. The wife notices her husband has a slight smile and far away look in his eyes. She asks "Honey what are you thinking about?" He replies "Remember when we were 17 and your father caught us making love in the back seat of my car? He told me, boy if you don't marry my daughter I'll see that you spend the next 30-years of your life in prison."

The wife says "Yes I remember but why do you think of that now?" Husband replies "Well by now I'd be a free man."

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Salelesman knocks on the door and a 10 yr old boy answers the door with a cigar in his mouth ,a shot of whiskey in one hand and a penthouse in the other,salesman says "are your folks home?" Boy says "what do you think"

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An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep crap now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull crap and brilliance come with age and experience.

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An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony..."

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All great, keep em comin.

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When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,
and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can
give Dad a message" said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the
bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard".

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Birdman`s joke reminded me of this one,

Teacher asked 4th graders to make a sentence using the word "beautiful" twice.

Suzie replied, "When the beautiful sun rises, it makes the wheat fields look beautiful."

Sarah replied, " Mommy has a beautiful dress and when she wears it, Daddy calls her beautiful".

Johnny replied, "When my sister came home pregnant, my Dad said, Beautiful, just beautiful!"

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Changed my mind on putting that one here. I will think of another. I thought the one I first put here was not off color in the slightest for adults, but began to wonder if the topic was appropiate for seven or eight year olds to be reading.

Lets see---Did we hear about the blonde who broke her leg while raking leaves...........................She fell out of the tree.

Then there was the lady who broke an arm when she swerved to avoud a child. .......................

Fell of her bike, you ask??

No, she fell out of bed,

Charlie

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This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the was back to work, I stopped off at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my pickup and said in a very sexy voice, "I`m a big believer in barter old boy, would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo have you got?"

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This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the was back to work, I stopped off at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my pickup and said in a very sexy voice, "I`m a big believer in barter old boy, would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo have you got?"

Holy cow!!! Hahahahahaha

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It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano
It was time for the Star of the Show-Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew
from his waistcoat pocket. a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the
watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" Said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.


And then, Suddenly, The chain broke!!! The beautiful antique gold pocket watch that had been in Claude's family for six generations fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!!

"crap!!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre

And Claude was never invited to entertain again...

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A few years ago I noticed how popular chicken wings had become as a food item.The problem is each chicken only has two wings. So Colonel Sanders and all the others have a lot of extra chicken to sell for each two wings it gets per chicken.

I thought if I could just come up with a chicken with 4 wings I probably could become rich ! So for over a year I cross bred chickens and did all kinds of research to try to come up with the exclusive 4 winged chicken. Finally after many tries one of the eggs I had in incubator hatched out a four winged chick. I was excitied but knew that I wouldn't know if I hit pay dirt until this chick got old enough to reproduce and make sure the four winged gene passed on to her baby chick. So after special care and attention it came time to put my chicken with the Rooster. On my way carrying the chicken to the Rooster pen that chicken spread all four wings and escaped my arms and flew off so fast and high that neither I or the Rooster could catch her.

That chicken has never been seen again. !

Bill

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Don't feel to bad for me on above story !

I decided not to get too down on my luck. I am now continuing my research and trying to hatch out a chicken with 4 legs !

I think the Colonel would be happy with 4 drumsticks per chicken.

I will keep you updated !

Bill

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A tourist was visiting a state far from his home. The tourist liked to visit a church when ever he traveled to a new area. So the tourist asked a local person in the area if there were any churches close by ? The native thought a minute and said, No we haven't had a Church's for sometime but there is a Colonel Sanders KFC down the street.

I promise, no more Chicken jokes for awhile !

Bill

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The other day I was reading up on the concept of time being as we perceive it our fourth dimension.

My wife at one point asked me what I was reading so intently and thinking so hard about..

I responded, I am reading about time and how we perceive it plus how it interacts with the other three dimensions as we understand them.

She then said, Why do you want to know about that sort of stuff?

I then said, Because I want to get my time machine working so I can go back in time and warn myself about some decisions I made that ultimately didn't work in my favor.

Then she asked, Well hows that coming along?

I then replied, Well you're still here aren't you?

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The other day I was reading up on the concept of time being as we perceive it our fourth dimension.

My wife at one point asked me what I was reading so intently and thinking so hard about..

I responded, I am reading about time and how we perceive it plus how it interacts with the other three dimensions as we understand them.

She then said, Why do you want to know about that sort of stuff?

I then said, Because I want to get my time machine working so I can go back in time and warn myself about some decisions I made that ultimately didn't work in my favor.

Then she asked, Well hows that coming along?

I then replied, Well you're still here aren't you?

Oh No ! It is the couch for you the next several nights !

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Brand new 4'th grade teacher just got her first class. On the first day of school she said, "Lets play a game in which I describe an object and you tell me what it is. Ok I'm holding something that I use every day in class it is a small rectangle in shape. Little Sally raises her hand: "A note book? she asks, no thats not it says the teacher but it shows you are thinking. Then Billy asks is it your lunch box? No the teacher says, but it shows you were thinking. Little Johnny pipes up and says "I know its an eraser" your right she says, you are thinking! Johnny says Can I play? Sure says the teacher, Ok I'm holding something that is about 2 inches long with a red tip on it. Agast the teacher says "Johnny thats not nice you should not say things like that. Johnny says: Teacher your wrong, its a match; but it shows you were thinking!

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Brand new 4'th grade teacher just got her first class. On the first day of school she said, "Lets play a game in which I describe an object and you tell me what it is. Ok I'm holding something that I use every day in class it is a small rectangle in shape. Little Sally raises her hand: "A note book? she asks, no thats not it says the teacher but it shows you are thinking. Then Billy asks is it your lunch box? No the teacher says, but it shows you were thinking. Little Johnny pipes up and says "I know its an eraser" your right she says, you are thinking! Johnny says Can I play? Sure says the teacher, Ok I'm holding something that is about 2 inches long with a red tip on it. Agast the teacher says "Johnny thats not nice you should not say things like that. Johnny says: Teacher your wrong, its a match; but it shows you were thinking!

That Johnny was always bad...

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Come on boys! You surely got a joke in your pocket! If your shy, PM to me and I`ll post it. Even tho I`m shy too.....

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OK MTO you asked for it. Hope this doesn't get me kicked off of here. :P

A big burly Texan walks into a crowded New York city bar carring a saddle bag. He walks up to the bartender and asks, " If I show you the most amazing thing you ever saw, can I get a free beer"?

"Well sez the bartender, you show me what's so amazing and I'll decide if it's worth a free beer."

The Texan reaches in the saddle bag and pulls out a snap'n turtle, unzips his fly, pulls out his privates and lets the turtle snap right on.

He stands there for several minutes with the turtle just hang'n on.

Pretty soon he takes two fingers and carefully but abruptly pokes the turtle in the eyes and the turtle lets go. Texan puts the turtle back in the saddle bag & zips his pants up.

The Texan turns to the bartender and says, "Does that get me a free beer"?

The bartender is totally blown away by what he just saw and how tuff this guy must be. (as is everyone else in the bar)---He tells the Texan that he can drink all night for free.

After several hours of drinking the Texan turns around and hollers at the crowd, "Anybody else wanna try this"?

Squirelly little guy from of the back of the bar walks up and says, "I will, ya big savage, as long as ya don't poke me in the eyes".

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2+2! You guys from Ohio! Haaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

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