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560Dennis

Colonoscopy by Dave Barry

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My dear, late grandfather always said "If the wit outweighs the vulgarity, you may tell the story!"  

So here is one really funny (at least to me) story......


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave 
Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor 
columnist for the Miami Herald.
 


 

Colonoscopy Journal:  


 

I called my friend Andy  
Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an 
appointment for a colonoscopy.


 

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


 

Then Andy explained the 
colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, 
reassuring and patient manner.


 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.


 

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


 

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a  great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


 

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.  I don't want to be too graphic here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours 
pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten 
yet.


 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of 
MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I 
spurt on Andy?’  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.


 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a 
little curtained space and took off my clothes 
and put on one of those hospital garments 
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.


 

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.


 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.


 

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


 

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...


 

'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


 

I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.


 

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


 On the subject of Colonoscopies...


 Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.  A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his 
patients (predominately male) while he was 
performing their colonoscopies:


 

  1. Take it easy Doc.  You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.


 

  1. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


 

  1. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


 

  1. 'Are we there yet?  Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


 

  1. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'


 

  1. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


 

  1. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


 

  1. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


 

  1. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


 

10.  'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'


 

And the best one of all:  


 

13.  'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

 

 

 

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LOL 

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Been a long time since I read something by Dave Barry.  He's always good in a common sense kind of way.

I put off having my first colonoscopy for ten years.  My instructions said I could mix powdered lemonade mix into it.  And I could take it half and half since I had an afternoon appt.  I actually think I could have driven home if I had waited another 10-15 minutes, but I had a craving for several Quarter Pounders with cheese.

   And I get to do it all over again in nine more months.

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LOL..........................Got your appointment scheduled?

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Having just had this experience last year, along with an endoscopy at the same time, my first question to the Doc was, "Why do I have this $hitty taste in my mouth?"

He assured me they use 2 different scopes... yeah right... gag/cough/spit!

 

 

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The highlight of the prep for me was basically "hovering" above the toilet seat...

Houston, we have liftoff!

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hah! i just had mine from both ends last week. so timely! and, with a good report, see you in 10 years.

i will say, the prep liquid tasted less awful than what i had 10 years ago, at the last one. end result, so to speak, was the same.:lol:

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2 hours ago, DOCTOR EVIL said:

Been a long time since I read something by Dave Barry.  He's always good in a common sense kind of way.

I put off having my first colonoscopy for ten years.  My instructions said I could mix powdered lemonade mix into it.  And I could take it half and half since I had an afternoon appt.  I actually think I could have driven home if I had waited another 10-15 minutes, but I had a craving for several Quarter Pounders with cheese.

   And I get to do it all over again in nine more months.

You will get a dui or charged with one if caught driving after anesthesia. Takes a whole day to wear off.

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If there's any one that can write good humor about a dreaded, but necessary medical procedure it's Dave Barry. 

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I have a friend who told them to check the prostrate while he was out,

 

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I have had two of them so far, scared to death on the first one and looked forward to the second, the drugs they gave me were GREAT.  Wife said I had everyone rolling in the recovery room aisles laughing with the stuff that was spewing out of my mouth when they wheeled me out.  I remember stopping at IHOP for breakfast on the way home, then sleeping like a baby for ten hours after I got home, both times.

 

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    Great write up !

       Been doing them every three years since 50 .:o Lucky ,so far no problems :wub:.  I will say that the infamous drink, entitles me to my reward , when the Anesthesiologist says," I am going to give  you a little something to relax," Oh,! I love that initial feeling before going night night and feeling love to everyone and everything.  My wife tells me that I keep telling the nurses how great they are.:D

   When they try waking me, I tell them leave me alone I just went to sleep ! Doc can't be done yet :lol:

      Tony

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yup, have to have one every few yrs

1st time I had  the endoscopy

had real bad day the day before,    then got dropped off at local hospital,     all alone for half a day,   so my mood still hadn't improved

had 1 squirt of dreamy stuff and was laying on my side, doc put the wad in my mouth and then held this black earth lead up and said I'm gunna stick this down your throat

 

spat wad out,    like F@@@ u are

last words I heard was oh yes I am , with a wicked grin

methinks nurse that was holding the syringe attached to the tube in my arm, gave it a good hard push on the plunger:D

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The first one I could watch on a monitor, the second one they put me out, so when I was in the recovery room I said I don't believe you did anything ! The anethistist  say next time we'll do it while you're awake! From then on I believed they had done it !!!!!

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I've had one done. It almost landed me in jail. I experienced the process of mentally solving all the worlds problems while seated in the bathroom while "cleansing" my insides. The first thing that kinda got me mad was after singing in and going to the waiting room was the staff had a cooking show on the TV and wouldn't change it! Bunch of guys sitting there, none who had eaten anything solid for at least 24 hours and they are making meat loaf on a cooking show......then later, after they were done and my wife got me home I get a phone call. The caller whom I used to call son, now disowned and cut out of my will said....."so dad, I hear you had a romantic experience".

 

Rick

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I think the comments are just as good as the article...........:lol::lol::lol::lol:

(been here 3 times myself, btw)

 

Mike

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18 hours ago, TomH said:

LOL..........................Got your appointment scheduled?

No, it's in my computer file, THEY will remember to schedule it and let me know.

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Pretty much my experience. Came home, slept for hours, got up, had supper, slept again 'til morning. The anesthetic is really tough on me, either that or I got an extra dose.  The anesthesiologist said "things are going to get different" after administering the stuff. I guess! I think I was talking to god, or maybe it was Morgan Freeman, I don't recall.  

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Took a good friend of mine a while back to the VA hospital to get one , they ended up having to do it 3 times because something went wrong in the middle of it. 

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:lol: Been there, done that, TWICE!!  The prep is the killer.  After my first one, I woke up in the recovery room.  Nurse and wife were there, asked me how I felt, I said fine, sit up, swung my feet around, slid off the bed..... and went clean to the floor.  The second one... I stayed on the bed. BK

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